Brit-Desi Boyband

So I've always wondered why in the year 2011 Britain still doesnt have a true Brit-asain boyband. Surely our lads make just as much effort with their hair and fashion to be considered good enough to be adorned onto the bedroom walls of teenage girls up and down the country! Then I came across this picture and immediately I thought 'heck if I was the Simon Cowel of Southall I'd give this boys a record deal even if they sounded like Pat Butcher'. I mean, look at these lads..they look like a band, bottom left has that slightly camp appeal which is always good, no doubt further down the line he'll 'come out',  the chap at the back whos very artistically managed to wrapped everyone together looks like the ladies man - he'd be in the press for dating those chicks from the 'Saturdays'.

Heres how I imagine their first album would look:

The freshies - part 1

A good few years back I began my quest to understand the modern day freshie, a endearing term used to describe a individual from the mother countries. Usually this person will speak in a swanky english, use a lot of hand gestures and wear sandals, even in the snow. What we have above is a deconstruction of a group of freshies minding their business sitting in a park bench. Rather than looking troublesome like a group of scummy chavs, these lads look rather...intellectual, infact id put good money on one of these brothers having a microsoft certification of some sort. See, I kinda like freshies, there's a lot to learn from them, this group for instance no doubt are childhood friends, all must go watch bollywood flicks together, when out chursping 'the leader' of the pack surely is the one who gets shot of the main cock-blocker, whilst 'the joker' keeps everyone entertained. Like a well oiled machine these brothers work hand in hand, theres a real closeness between them. Theres a freshie in every single one of us, lets bring it out.

The look of envy

Look deep into the eyes of the girl in the middle and you will see the same thing that all attractive asain girls see every single day of their lifes, envy. Thats right, the green eyed monster that inhibits folks. Theres a number of interpretations that could be applied to this image, perhaps the strategically placed girl had summoned the photographer over and was mid-pose, just as the hot chicks decided to ruin her little moment and extract the limelight via a smooch.  A very plausible explanation some may say, but I think the reality is that the girl in the middle just wants a piece of the action...who who'd blame her, I mean look at the lashes of the one of the left. You see, there was once a time when in fear of jepordising our moral ethics and cultural values we wouldnt even pout in fear of being ridiculed and having our good name tarnished. Today is 2011, society has evolved and so has the modern brit-asain girl, more experimental than ever, she longs to seek new avenues to satisfy her thrust for all things forbidden. Truth be known, I want a piece of this action too. Three-way popppy anyone?

*update* it has been brought to my attention, by a very close compadre of mine that I missed a vital element to this picture...look closely and you will see a eyeball in the top left corner, dare I suggest this belongs to the parent of one of these mischievous girls..ready to embark on a onslaught of chappal slapping...

Life of a modern day brit-asain-hero

The Duckings - a stab at unifiying the brownskinned belts.

There comes a time in every young asain chaps life where he decides to wash away his moral high ground, put his ethics to one say, slide away the religious oblications and go out in the thick of dark in hunt for some prime brown chicks. Period.

Gamers will tell you that all girls to some extent have 'bitch shields' - these brothers have clearly not endured the virtues of our brown skinned counterparts who take bitchyness to another level. Learn to bring down that 'wall' with kindness and persistant brother Budgy, run your hands through her iron rod hair, smell her channel perfurm and tell her that shes special - and then wait for her to ask you what religion you are. Fucked up right chaps? Your there with your rod standing to attention, her showing more flesh than bipasha basu in Jism - and all of a sudden you need to be Pinkish with a degree in pharmacy to score a nut here. Typical.

The night arrives, you call up your boys. Everyones rallying up for a big night. The girls rather round Nisha's house, with their tartish, dignity defying garments stuffed into their bags - lipgloss on nice and thick. The leader of the girls, 'the mother hen' gathers her troops, arranges the transporation and ushers her little army of tartlests into the club. Like a old school matron shes fiercely productive over her little ones. Scolding any well meaning individual with her make-up curved eyes.

The chaps are set. The drinks are downed. Like old men awaiting the bus to take them home, they surround the perimeters of the club dancefloor oogling at the talent. Hoping someone makes a move they all look for inspiration and bravery at least to provide some sort of entertainment.

The ducklings, hand in hand walk by, in a snake like fashion these girls linked at the arms wieve through the club, focusing on protecting each other. You cant help by feel this routine is reinacted like some sort of military operation.

One brave soul attempts to divide and conquer, opening a snake of asain chicks is like throwing yourself into a boiling pot, you wil get burnt. Better try then go home and wank. Adjust that ego, build up that courage, make me hardskinned - he wishfully thinks.

A resounding knockback for a guy whos made such a decent effort. Never mind - where theres one set of ducklings, there'll always be another.

Clubs have become ponds. Fishing was once a hobby. Ducks were once cute.